Attack Of The Killer Sexual Harrassment Panda
by Silent Bob
Summary: Petey The Sexual Harrassment Panda, from "South Park" comes to the Quick Stop, and goes crazy and starts trying to kill everyone. A really messed up story but its pretty funny.


Okay, well, here's my first fic based on the Clerks Cartoon. It  
also features Petey The Sexual Harrassment Panda, from South Park, and  
other characters. Seriously-- it's not my best work. Pretty fucked up.  
But it's supposed to be. It's funnier if you picture it as a movie.  
Just read it.  
  
  
  
  
"Hello, little pandas! Today's episode is brought to you by   
the letter C, which stands for Cock, Cunt, Cum, Crotch, and Clit. All  
these words can be used as sexual harrasment, so never say them!" the  
man in the Panda suit said, then started dancing and singing. "I'm  
Petey, the Sexual Harrassment Panda!"  
Dante reached up to the monitor and turned it off. "Why do you  
insist on watching this kids show?!" Dante asked Randal, who was  
sitting on the counter of the Quick Stop, watching intensley at the  
TV.  
"Don't turn it off!" Randal said, "We're gonna miss the safety  
tip of the day!" Just then, super star Squeek Scolari of the   
BASEketball team "The Beers" walked in to buy some stuff, but no one  
seemed to notice.  
"We're not watching any more of the Sexual Harrassment Panda   
bullshit, Randal."  
"Aw, you're no fun," Randal said, hopping off the counter.   
"Well, he's going on tour and he'll be here in Leonardo soon."  
"Randal, you are not planning on actually wasting your money on  
that, are you?" Dante asked as Randal grabbed a porno mag and started  
looking at it.  
Just then, the door to the store opened, and the Panda himself  
walked in!  
"Are you little pandas open?" Petey asked.  
"Yes," Dante said, not bothering to look up and see that it was  
the one and only Petey himself.  
"Holy fuckin shit!" Randal said, hopping up and running over to  
the guy in the Panda suit. "It's you!"  
Dante looked up. "Oh, God."  
"Are you looking at a nudey magazine?" the Panda noticed. "That  
makes me a saaaaaaad Panda."  
"Uh- sorry," Randal said, throwing the porno mag behind him,   
hitting Squeek in the head and knocking him flat on his ass.   
The Sexual Harrassment Panda looked behind the counter to see  
the whole shelf of Pornos. "What is this!" Petey said, running behind  
the counter and picking up a couple. "You've been bad little Pandas!"  
Just as Squeek started to pull himself up, Petey threw the mags behind  
him in anger, barraging Squeek and knocking him over.  
Petey the Panda's face started changing to an angry one, which  
was pretty fucked up cause it's just a costume. "I'm a very maaaaad   
Panda." he grumbled, then pulling out two machine guns from inside his  
costume.  
Squeek pulled himself up and saw this. But, as Petey started   
shooting at Dante, the shells flew back and knocked Squeek down again.  
"FUCK!" Dante said, shielding his head with his arms, as if   
that would help. Luckily, the bullets kept missing him.  
"Shmokin weed, doin dope, drinkin beers," Jay, with Silent Bob  
behind him, walked into the store. "We're gonna--" he noticed the  
Homicidal Panda with the machine guns shooting at Dante. "Holy shit!  
It's Petey The Sexual Harrassment Panda trying to fuckin kill Dante!"  
Hearing the dealers walk into the store, Petey turned around  
and faced them. "Cursing makes me a very maaaaaad Panda!" He said. He  
was about to shoot at them when he noticed he ran out of bullets. "Oh,  
pooey!"  
Seeing the opportunity, everyone got up and ran for the door,  
trampling Squeek Scolari as he once again failed at pulling himself up  
from the floor. Dante had his black cat in his arms.  
  
They all, including Squeek, managed to safely make it into RST  
Video and were all sitting down, hiding behind the counter, with the   
door locked, and Petey was standing right outside.  
"Shit what the fuck's up with that, yo?!" Jay asked. "Why the  
fuck was Petey The Sexual Harrassment Panda in your store? Why the   
fuck did he try to shoot you?! Who the fuck is this little bitch?!" he  
said, referring to Squeek.  
"Don't you know who I am?!" Squeek said. "I play for the Beers!  
I'm Squeek Scolari!"  
"Shit, you know Joe Cooper?!" Jay asked.  
"Of course I do!" Squeek said. "I'm his teammate! Squeek   
Scolari!!"  
"Who the fuck is Squeek Scolari?!" Jay said.  
"Everyone shut the fuck up!" Dante yelled. "Christ, there's a  
psycho guy in a Panda suit who wants to kill us and you guys are   
arguing over a little bitch who thinks he's a BASEketball player!"  
"I am a BASEketball player!" Squeek said.  
Then, they suddenly heard the sound of a chainsaw outside the  
store.  
"Shit! He's gonna cut down the door!" Randal said.  
"We have to get out of here!" Dante screamed over the noise of  
the saw.  
"Wait!" Randal said. He jumped up and grabbed a couple porno  
movies. "Okay, now we have to get out of here!"  
"How the fuck are we going to get out?!" Dante said, but it was  
too late. The Panda had sawed through the door and had a hand gun with  
a full clip in it. "Now it's time for you little panda's to die!!"  
Dante stared in horror as the Panda cocked the gun that was   
pointed at him. "Shit!" he hissed. Petey pulled the trigger, and a   
bullet flew at Dante, but he skillfully and flexibly dodged it, his arms  
bending to dodge the bullet, just like in The Matrix. And he  
kept dodging them.  
"DAMN YOU MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING ASSHOLE HOMOSEXUAL PENIS   
SNIFFING LITTLE PANDA BASTARD!!!" Petey screamed, throwing the gun,  
which was useless since it was all out of bullets. It hit Squeek in  
the head and knocked him to the floor.  
Petey then ran from RST, to get more ammo, obviously, and left  
the small group alone.  
"SHIT WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!" Jay screamed.  
Silent Bob put his finger to his lips. "Be calm. I will use the  
ancient Namek technique from Dragon Ball Z to fuse us together to make  
us one being."  
"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" Jay screamed. Suddenly,  
Silent Bob and Jay turned into pure energy and started to fuse, then  
created one single being.  
He had a blonde goatee and long blond hair, with a half ciggarette-  
half blunt hanging from his mouth. He wore Jay's hat on his head. He  
wore a black trenchcoat that had a half a Marijuana leaf on each side,  
so when it was buttoned together it would make a full one.  
Silent Jay.  
"What the fuck is going on here?!" Dante yelled, "I have to agree  
with Jay for once!"  
Using Silent Bob's voice, Silent Jay said "This is fuckin weird.  
I am both Jay and Silent Bob- I feel both. I think I know what the  
tubby bastard meant when he said we'd fuse, now."  
"Whatever, lets just get the fuck out of town before Psycho   
Panda here kills us!!" Dante said. "I can easily fit three people in my  
car!"  
"Hey, I'm here too, you know." Squeek said.  
"Oh, yeah." Dante said. "Okay, you can come to, little bitch."  
"I'm not a little bitch!' Squeek said, following them out to the  
car.  
"Okay," Dante said, "But you are a piece of shit."  
"Yup." Everyone except Squeek agreed.  
  
Dante turned the ignition of his car and......... he was out of  
gas. "SHIT!" he said. "What the fuck are we gonna do know?!"  
"We could call Boomehower." Silent Jay said.  
"Huh?" Dante said.  
"Our friend Boomehower." Silent Jay answered. "He could come   
pick us up."  
"Okay," Dante said, "Hurry up, go use the phone in the Quick  
Stop and call him!"  
Silent Jay hopped out of the car and ran into the store they   
didn't bother to lock up.  
"This is some pretty fucked up shit," Randal said.  
"Hey, this is coming from someone who watches Hermaphroditic   
porn." Dante said.  
"There's nothing wrong with Chicks With Dicks," Randal answered.  
Chk-chk.  
They heard a noise behind them. "Shiiiiiiiiiittttttt" they   
said in unison, turning around, to see the pissed panda standing there,  
his gun pointed straight at them.  
"Prepare to be very dead little Pandas!" he said, about to shoot,  
when he heard someone.  
"Hey, Panda!"  
He spun around to see Silent Jay standing there. "Come on," S.J.  
said, "Lets go."  
Dun dun dun dun dun da dun da da da dun!! Fight music played from  
a cassette Randal put into the cars tape player as Petey The Sexual  
Harrassment Panda and Silent Jay fought.  
But, in the end, Petey apprehended Silent Jay, and had trapped  
everyone.  
"Damn it," Squeek said, "I can't belive I'm going to die."  
Suddenly, a picture appeared in Squeeks head. It was that chick  
that plays Grace on that show "Will & Grace!" (She is kinda hot. I've  
only seen the show a couple times but she's fuckin hot)  
"Squeek....." she said.  
"My name's not Squeek, it's Kenny!" Squeek defended.  
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever you little bitch," the actress said  
inside his mind. "Squeek- the lives of your friends depend solely on  
you. Only you can defeat Petey The Sexual Harrassment Panda."  
"They're not my friends!" Squeek said.  
"I don't care, you piece of shit," the chick in his head said.  
"But you must save them, for they are the Chosen Ones."  
"Really?" Squeek said, "I'm a Chosen One?"  
"No," the actress said, "They're the Chosen Ones. You're just  
a little bitch."  
"I'm not a little bitch, dammit!" Squeek said.  
"Whatever," The actress said, "But you have to defeat him. If  
you win, I'll have a lesbian sex scene with Jennifer Lopez."  
"Really?" Squeek said, "Holy shit, that'd be sweet--"  
"Just go defeat him!" the chick said.  
Meanwhile, Randal and Dante watched his assumingly talk to   
himself.  
Squeek came out of the car and faced the Sexual Harrassment   
Panda. "Oh, are you going to try to be a brave little Panda."  
"Hey, Petey," Squeek said, "I hear your moms going out with....................  
Squeek!"  
"AAARRGGH!!!" The Panda suddenly exploded.  
"Squeek, you saved us!" Dante said.  
"Yeah, I did, didn't I? I saved the- AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!"   
Suddenly Coop and Remur's dog jumped on Squeek and attacked him,  
while Jennifer Lopez and that Grace-Chick started making out.  
"Grace" lifted Jennifer Lopez's shirt as she passionatley  
kissed her, then undid her bra, slipped it off and----  
THE END!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
  



End file.
